So here’s the deal: apparently Hills twits Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag are planning a trip to entertain the U.S. troops in Iraq. Normally, a story like this would immediately be tossed into my “who gives a rats ass” pile and I’d go back to obsessing over the new Paul Westerberg & Hold Steady albums and wondering why more people aren’t watching The Middleman.

However, it struck me that Heidi & Spencer being allowed to go over and entertain the troops is actually the most compelling reason yet to immediately bring our boys back home from Iraq.

If Heidi & Spencer are going to Iraq, it means that we’ve been there for so long we’ve run out of actual, real entertainers for our troops.

What a blow to America’s pride!

After all, we have a worldwide reputation as the undisputed leader in kick-ass popular culture, and historically, one of the ways that we’ve flaunted this is having our great entertainers fly all over the world to entertain our troops. However, in a little over a half-century, what peaked with Bob Hope & Marilyn Monroe has gone straight downhill (and underground) (and right into the center of the Earth) to Heidi & Spencer.

I mean, think about this from the perspective of our troops. You’re some guy from Iowa, and you’ve been stop-lossed a few times, and so worried about not dying and you don’t even know who these people are! And when you see them, you wonder if it’s some kind of sick joke. It’s bad enough wondering if anybody in America is paying attention to the sacrifice that you’re making, but this? This is indefensible!

Historically, part of the point of the USO shows has always been to remind the soldiers of what they are fighting for, which is why Jessica Simpson, for example, may be booed by country fans but is actually requested by overseas troops, who don’t really care what she sings, or hell, if she sings.

(And yes, I fully realize that I’m using Jessica Simpson as the “good” example. In this case, yeah, she is: she fits in the grand tradition of our soldiers to hooting and hollering at basically talentless chicks who are also kinda hot.)

But fighting for Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt? Some of the troops would be excused if they thought: “This is what I’m fighting for? A rich wanker who is my age and has less going for him in the brains department than even the lowliest private? And his fake-titted butterface girlfriend? And they’re only here to use us to further their career? No thanks. I’m outta here.”

The thought of fighting for Heidi & Spencer might actually cause wholesale desertions.

Unless, of course, it’s all part of an evil Bush Administration plot to actually increase re-enlistment. Troops who find out exactly who these people are might actually choose staying in Iraq over going back to a country where Heidi & Spencer are seemingly so popular.

Which really isn’t true, but the main point is this: should we even risk our brave soldiers thinking that Heidi & Spencer is what our once dominant popular culture has sunk to? Hell no!! We should bring them home immediately!!

• Heidi and Spencer will entertain U.S. troops
• Jessica Simpson Shines for Troops in Kuwait
• Jessica Simpson Booed at Debut Country Performance
• MARILYN IN KOREA, 1954

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